We thought we lost you. Welcome back. (Part Dos.)

"Less than forget
But more than begun
These adventures in solitude never done
To the names of our wounds
We send the same blood back from the wars"

"I don't know about you, but this week has just been kicking my ass! How's your world?"
"My world is giving me heart burn."

What is new, blog world? You may have noticed my absence. I apologize. I could give excuses, but what's the point, really? To sum it up, I've been stressed. So very stressed. When I'm stressed, I tend to turn inward. I dig a hole, crawl inside, build some walls and a roof and lay there in the fetal position, thinking about it all. Most of the time I can conquer the anxiety. I have a good cry, and dig myself out. However, this tendency, can be exacerbated when there is no one there to pull me out of my head. When there is no one to distract me by hanging Wendy's cups on the ceiling or sobbing on my floor as I think "Shit! At least my life isn't like THAT!", then I'm more inclined to pull some anxiety blankets in and get cozy in my little stress den. And that is where I've been lately. Hiding in my hole, trying not to lose it.

This has happened before, yet again demonstrating the cyclical nature of life. My last semester of college was an uncertain time. I didn't know if I'd graduate. I didn't know what I'd be doing when I graduated. I didn't know if I'd be able to afford my own place or a cardboard box under the bridge. I was consumed by the thought that I'd never be able to get out of my hometown. I was paralyzed by the uncertainty of the future, paralyzed to the point where I could hardly function and get through what needed to be done.

I've realized that what I've been feeling lately is similar to what I felt back then. My life is about to change again. Or rather, I've reached the point where I need my life to change again in a big way. The problem is... how? How do I want to change my life? All I know is that this, what I'm doing right now, is no longer what I want. Beyond that, I don't know what I want. And that scares the crap out of me, the not knowing.

The fact that I recognize why I've been feeling like a crazy person helps. Getting the worrisome thoughts out of my head and into the ether helps, too. Having a drink (or five), smoking a cigar, and talking about absolutely nothing in a very bad British accent even provides a temporary patch. I recognize the fact that I don't have a bad life. I can support myself, I have family, I have good friends. But I still just can't figure out how to deal with the swells of anxiety that try to wash me back into my head. I'll start to worry about one thing and then next thing I know, I'm searching the obituaries and I'm about to have a full-scale meltdown because I've pictured my friend lying next to death in a hospital bed, being cried over by her family members as the doctor tells them they should consider pulling the plug. I don't know how to make the paranoid, worrisome thoughts go away. And so I'm considering the option of talking to a professional. I realize my thoughts are unreasonable, but I don't know how to fend them off.

I'm giving it until January before I start biting*. I've just finished two giant projects at work, and come Thanksgiving, I'll have finished another. I'm considering buying my brother's car. And I'll have my very own pet come Christmas. So things could get better all on their own. If I can just hold it all together for a bit longer, I might slide right back into my natural relaxed state.

Anyway, so that's where I've been. I haven't knitted in a long time. I've been too busy keeping my own threads from unraveling. Hope everyone is well.

*Emily told me of a story about stress she'd heard on NPR. They'd taken a rat and stressed it out by shocking it with electrical pulses. The rat demonstrated the typical negative effects of stress, like high blood pressure, etc etc. However, the interesting part was that the rat wouldn't demonstrate those symptoms if another rat was present in the cage in which the stressed rat could bite the crap out of.

We thought we lost you. Welcome back. (Part Uno.)

Tonight, you and me, blog. You and me. We shall dance. We have much to discuss.

I'd knit, but as it turns out I'm too busy dating

What?! You think I'm kidding? I'm not. Even after swearing off online dating. I meant to swear it off, but it wouldn't let me go. It renewed me for another three months. Apparently I didn't cancel my membership. So I changed my attitude. I said, "This shall be a social experiment. I shall do this for the rebuilding of the 'unfortunate, yet hilarious' story arsenal." Since the day of that quotation, made approximately six days ago, I have received no less than FIVE emails from guys who don't make me want to be a lesbian! I have entered the Twilight Zone. And in it, I have two dates this week... with two different guys. You never know, I might just need to start up my Dating Story again.

I did, however, finish my hat, prior to the above happenings. I like it. But it is itchy. Whose idea was it to use wool, anyway?!

Foilage Hat.

Also, Saturday I met Christopher Moore, one of my favorite authors. Sadly, it was a series of most unfortunate events, involving riding Marta at the butt-crack of Saturday morning for a ticket I didn't really need after all, not understanding most of his jokes because I had not read the book he spoke about, and buying a book for signing that turned out to be a sequel to another book I hadn't read. Clearly, once again, it turns out I am not as big a fan as I thought I was. But I think I'm okay with that. I was excited to find out though that Mr. Moore's new book will be in the time of or revolving around Shakespeare. Good stuff, that will be!

"Hurry, snap the photo already! This is getting awkward... and somewhat intimate."

my stepdad's not mean, he's just adjusting

I am the queen of waisting away a Sunday. I did not vacuum the floors, wash the dishes, pay my bills, go to the grocery store, unpack my suitcases from last weekend. However, I did do my laundry. A small moment of productivity squished in between the four movies I watched. Those would be The Lives of Others (sad, yet offers hope for mankind), Mrs. Henderson Presents (Judi Dench refers to someone's bosoms as "fried eggs"), How To Kill Your Neighbor's Dog (still one of my favorites), and the ever hilarious Death To Smoochy. But my gods, check out that sock!

It's not you. Oh no, wait... it is you!

Like I said before, it's one thing to tell yourself that you are single and happy and another thing to believe it. A friend, however, has filled me in on her Three Point Plan for being truly single and happy (she remains nameless... unless she reveals herself). And since I got the "It's not you, it's me" speech from Mr. Jerk-Around, I'm going to give it a go, only I'm going to add a Fourth Point.

The Three (now Four) Point Plan for being Single and Happy:

1. Girl friends to hang out with. (Check)
2. Vibrator. (Check)
3. Exercise. (Umm... I'll have to work on that one.)
4. Knitting projects to work on. (Check)

I've already got three out of four down, so I'm on my way already! I'm a bit suspicious about exercise being the final key to being a Happy Single (not to mention, my friend is married... but I won't hold that against her), but as an act of faith in my new plan (because I do love a plan!), I pulled out the Taebo dvds I bought a gajillion years ago and used a grand total of twice (and felt very nauseous), and I jumped around with Billy Blanks for 40 minutes. Go me! Hopefully I can stick to Point 3. Because surprisingly, I feel happier already.

Sock shot (and a Klingon Hula):